For something completely different today, I decided to watch the Toronto Blue Jays play baseball. How unlike me.
The Jays took on the New York Yankees in the Bronx, and I settled into my couch and took notes. For your reading pleasure, I have put them in chronological order. Enjoy!
Pregame
-The sky looks angry today. So does my cat.
-A.J. Burnett pitches for the Yankees and Brian Tallet goes for the Blue Jays.
-Rod Barajas is quoted by Jamie Campbell as saying that these are the games that will prove the Jays are "for real", which questions the validity of the other 161 games of the season. That and the existence of the Matrix.
-A.J. Burnett takes the mound wearing a red Fourth of July hat. The Jays are wearing their Canada Day hats still. It's official people, National Hat Fight Day!
-The announcers promptly jinx the entire game by mentioning that Yankees Stadium is easy to hit home runs out of. I prepare to watch nine innings of no-hit baseball.
-That You Belong at The Game commercial kid is clearly at a day game. How could it be past his bedtime yet? Are babies nocturnal? I need clarification.
-David Delucci got called up to replace the perpetually demoted Russ Adams. Russ, we hardly knew ye.
First Inning
-A.J. Burnett's face resembles that of the Immortals from 300. I won't lie, this has been in my head for a while.
-Bleacher Creatures starting their Roll Call. Neat.
-Burnett's looking pretty wild out there after uncorking two wild pitches to Aaron Hill and walking him.
-Why don't the snipers take the shot when the bank robbers are talking to Roy Halladay? People's lives are at stake here.
-Alex Rodriguez pops out to end the first and Brian Tallet reaches the dugout before the ball reaches Vernon Wells' glove. Love the confidence.
Second Inning
-Lyle Overbay takes a ball off the foot but it doesn't get called. Cito Gaston goes out to argue. Cito's voice is probably the most soothing in all of baseball, I love his postgame interviews. If you're reading this Cito, I want to get into the books-on-tape business with you.
-The Jays BA/RISP is .262 (ninth in the AL).
-David Delucci gets nailed with a pitch, earning him the nickname: Detarget.
-Hideki Matsui's batting average against Brian Tallet is over .500. Before I can flip a coin, he singles.
Third Inning
-Johnny Damon botches a Marco Scutaro pop fly. My brother recalls to me a game where Damon had three errors and threw his glove at the outfield wall. Fingers crossed.
-My cat falls off the table.
-Jamie Campbell says Derek Jeter has "found his legs." I find mine faster and declare I am better than Jeter at leg finding.
-Damon is covered in dirt from missing the pop fly. The Yankee Stadium media people blow it by not playing Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder."
-Mark Teixeira's batting stance looks like it's been choreographed to "Achy Breaky Heart."
-Another graphic, The A-Rod effect. Yanks are 32-18 since his return.
Fourth Inning
-Overbay doubles.
-Rios singles home Overbay. I want Rios' autograph so badly, yet therapy is a costly thing.
-A.J. Burnett is unsatisfied with the pitcher's mound. Apparently his salary is being paid out of the landscaping budget.
-Campbell says Cervelli is great at throwing out runners. He promptly throws out a stealing Rios. Rios got Cerved!
-Delucci walks. New nickname: DeOnBasePercentage.
-Woo! Dog Day is coming up soon. The Rogers Center employees rejoice.
-A closeup of Tallet reveals a fat guy scratching his bare (and beer) belly in the background. Classy.
-How do those guys dressed as umps get such good seats? If I dress as Cito Gaston, can I sit in the dugout?
-The Yankees have out-homered their opponents 72-57 at new Yankee Stadium. I want the stadium drug tested.
Fifth Inning
-The Yankees have two men on with no outs. I'm scared, but that wacky Johnny Damon is up.
-Damon bunts on base safely. That's not wacky at all. Bases are juiced.
-The outfield gate in center field won't close. Vernon Wells tries to shut it himself. Insert your own "Finally earning his money" jokes.
-Tallet walks home a run. Tallet throws a wild pitch and a run scores. I look around the room to see if there's anything I can break that doesn't cost a lot.
-Mark Teixeira is thrown out at home. He's clearly safe, I mean out.
-Swisher strikes out and the inning is salvaged. Three-0 Yanks.
Sixth Inning
-The top of the sixth is so boring I actually start hearing my brother's pleas for food. We discuss going to Taco Bell.
-Vernon Wells socks a pitch into low orbit. Taco Bell will have to wait.
Seventh Inning
-A foul ball is grabbed by Sportsnet's own Sam Cosentino. Rance Mulliniks tells him that's the only play he's made his whole life. Words can hurt too, Rance.
-Delucci strikes out. New nickname: Deoh-for-one.
-Scutaro DESTROYS...an infield single.
-Aaron Hill responds to a near head shot from Burnett by fouling out. Take that A.J.!
At this point, I caved into the demands for food. I spent the next two innings driving and listening to the game on the radio. I made it back just in time to see Mariano Rivera strike out Raul Chavez. Four to two, Yanks was the final score.
So there you have it folks, from my brain to your eyes. A disappointing result from the Jays, especially since they went 1-8 with runners in scoring position. Brian Tallet was having control issues all game and ended up walking four batters.
Toronto really needs to win this series. Today was a competitive game, but sleepwalking through at-bats is not good enough.
Roy Halladay pitches tomorrow afternoon as the Jays look to even up the series. I'll spare you my thoughts though, if the Jays are losing they may not be exactly PG-13.
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