Actually it’s a big goose egg.
Ooohh noooo, and six, but no eggroll goes with it for the Boston Red Sox.
Not since the Stock Market Crash of 1929 has prosperity disappeared so quickly in Red Sox Nation.
Variety announced its famous headline regarding Wall Street, way back when, and you can look it up, as Yogi Berra might say.
But the Red Sox have outdone even Variety, Wall Street and Broadway combined to create a stinkeroo in April.
Teams seldom recover from such a losing streak at the beginning of the season, and if they do recover, it is too little too late.
One unerring fact has emerged. This Beantown Sox group is a dull team, full of beans. There is no spark, no swirl of character. We now see what humorless truly means.
The Red Sox have finally put together a team of workmanlike taskmasters with their noses to the grindstone.
There is not a soul to make them loose or give them a tweak. The pffft you hear is the season pooping out.
Baseball is not fun with this group, now more than ever.
“Theo and Terry” only sounds like a comedy team. They are, instead, the ultimate producers of tragedy, looking like Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder in ironic reverse.
No, wait, those actors were too funny: Theo and Terry are much more like Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. Just not as entertaining.
In case you have forgotten the Mel Brooks story: a bogus baseball general manager named Max Biyalistok and his faithful manager Leo Bloom come up with an ingenious plan to produce the best baseball team ever, guaranteeing Boston another World Series.
They spend more money than the Yankees to put on the field of Fenway, the greatest team ever seen in Boston. Leo uses his people skills to help with the paperwork to put together a paper tiger.
Bialystock (played by Theo Epstein) is a gone-to-seed preppie whiz kid who spends his days wheedling checks from his "fans," old-timers for whom Bialystock is only too willing to provide luxury seats to remove memories of the Curse of the Bambino.
When wide-eyed manager Leo Bloom (Terry Francona) comes to check the lineup, he unwittingly inspires the wild-eyed Max to hatch a sure-fire plan: sell 38,000 season ticket seats for 82 games to the optimistic chumps who will pay any price for a hyped-up winner.
After six games, their ingenious planning has produced one of the greatest flops in the history of the franchise. The dropped jaws you see around Boston tell it all.
The biggest difference with the movie version: The Producers had a happy ending with our heroes tossed into prison.
A life sentence in Double AA baseball would be too good for Theo and Terry at this point.
Throw ‘em to the Yankee dogs.
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