On behalf of the ever-suffering Pittsburgh Pirates' deck crew, I'd like to offer a small proposal. This flagship has had some dreadful leadership in the past, but as the new skipper, let's not start out by making mistakes, alright?
You've already made the decision to maroon super-prospect Andrew McCutchen to Triple-A Indianapolis. We can make a couple guesses as to why this decision was made, none of which would benefit you or me in the immediate future.
He'll be sitting there beached, guzzling rum and obliterating minor league pitching. But nobody will notice, because he is in Indianapolis.
You've made a couple other unfavorable decisions with the crew as well, trading should-have-been All-Star Xavier Nady to Barbosa's Yankees for some cannon fodder and Jose Tabata. He's just a kid for now, but what kind of Pirate likes putting something in a bank account?
Then, at the deadline, you swapped a favorite of the crew, Jason Bay, for a new sextant and a few chests of bullion. Not a very favorable decision but apparently one that needed to be made. We still feel like Brandon Moss is as useful as having a cocker spaniel play right field, by the way.
We fielded the most productive outfield in the entire sea, so you trade them away.
Thank you, Admiral.
Which brings me to my point. Your plan for this upcoming season involves starting former ICE HOCKEY player Nyjer Morgan in left field. Let me put this politely. Has the rum gone to your head too? Have you drank too much sea salt?
With no respect whatsoever, the left field lunatic Captain Morgan over there couldn't catch a can of corn if it hit him in the face. He couldn't steal second if the catcher was blindfolded.
We're aware you want to branch out. Sign some new recruits. You've signed players from India. You've signed players from South Africa. Even players from the Koreas. We all loved that Canuck, Jason Bay, but this guy is no J-Bay.
We have a guy by the name of Craig Monroe on deck now. Maybe you weren't fully aware that he's playing here. Maybe you didn't notice him mash seven pitches into orbit this spring training, which just happens to be tied for third in the league in spring. Or maybe you forget how good he was as an everyday starter.
Let me remind you what he did as a full-time deckhand.
89 Runs, 92 RBI, 28 HR, .255 in 147 games with THE Detroit Tigers.
Now he did struggle in Minnesota, not getting the opportunity to start every day.
If we take "Captain Morgan" and extrapolate his stats over a full season, you'd get this jumbled up garbage.
65 Runs, 27 RBI, 2 HR, .294
Now, tell me that doesn't look like a major decrease in power. And if I'm not wrong, wouldn't an offense that finished 19th in the majors in runs scored WANT another batting threat?
I'd even start the Parrot in left field before Nyjer.
"Squaaawk! Wind in the sails!"
So please, do us a favor. Maroon Captain Morgan. Give Craig Monroe his rightful every day job in left field.
And for CHRIST'S SAKE, give us back Andrew McCutchen in the next month.
Cheers,
The City of Pittsburgh
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